Why Do I Feel So bad About Myself Sometimes? - understanding shame and its role in your healing.
Why Do I Feel So Bad About Myself Sometimes? If you’ve ever noticed that you feel bad about yourself—even when no one is judging you—it’s not because you’re broken. It’s often because your nervous system learned, at a young age, that feeling bad was a way to stay emotionally safe.
This can be especially true for people who grew up in environments that were emotionally unpredictable, rejecting, or unsafe. Shame became a survival strategy.
How Shame Helps Us Survive
As children, we depend entirely on the adults around us for love and safety. When those needs aren't met, we naturally look for reasons. Often the conclusion is:
"It must be my fault."
That belief—"I did something wrong" or "I am wrong"—gives a child the illusion of control. If the problem is inside me, then maybe I can fix it. This helps make the chaos feel manageable.
Over time, this turns into a habit: feeling bad becomes a way to stay safe.
Why Shame Feels Like Connection
If a parent or caregiver struggled with their own shame or self-worth, a child may unconsciously try to "match" that emotion to feel closer to them:
"If I feel bad too, maybe we’ll be close. Maybe I won’t be left behind."
This is an emotional bonding strategy. We learn that closeness can happen through shared pain. As adults, we might continue to repeat this by aligning with people who are also struggling—or by sacrificing ourselves to maintain closeness.
How This Shows Up in Adult Relationships
When we carry unprocessed shame into adult life, we may:
Stay quiet to keep others comfortable
Repeat painful memories to try to feel understood
Try to make others feel shame as a way to prevent them from hurting us again
This isn’t manipulation—it’s a survival strategy. Often, we are unconsciously trying to finally get someone to "see what they did," hoping that understanding will bring safety.
But real healing doesn’t come from repeating the pattern. It comes from recognizing it and gently choosing new ways to care for ourselves.
What You Can Say to the Shame
Instead of pushing shame away or believing its story, try talking to it with compassion:
"Thank you for trying to protect me. I know why you’re here. But I don’t need to feel bad to be safe anymore."
This helps the nervous system begin to learn a new truth: that you are safe, worthy, and whole—even without carrying shame.
Shame is not a flaw—it’s a response. It was once a tool your body used to keep you safe. But now, with support, you can learn to replace shame with self-compassion, boundaries, and emotional freedom.
You are allowed to feel good. You are allowed to feel safe. And you don’t have to earn love by hurting anymore.
If you find this resource helpful and you currently have a therapist, then I would encourage you to share this with your therapist and ask to discuss it more with them.